Yes (Wo)Man!

Confession Time!

My name is Dottie and I have a problem......I have a compulsive need to get involved in everything around me.  It really doesn't matter what it is either.  If I'm around...it needs to be done...there's a certain amount of satisfaction from doing it...then I'm your lady.

Do you need me to clean your house?  Done.  Would you like me to watch your kids?  Done.  Do your homework?  Become the den leader?  Volunteer at school?  Invest all my time?  Drive you around?  Go out for lunch?  Take on your burdens?............ 

Here's a bit of honesty......I hate that I do this!!!!!!  Because you know where it leaves me?  No where, that's where.  I am broken, exhausted, and incapable of sustaining my own needs.  And my needs are a big deal now (as if they weren't before :) )  cause I'm just not the same person I used to be.  My "Year of Hell" has scoured me inside and out, leaving me feeling weak and fragile.  It's important for me to remember that cause I'm not able to do things like I used to.  For physical reasons, as well as....I just don't want to.

This sounds so crappy of me, but I have to have a wake up call to this.  The Lord has counseled us not to do more than we have strength for and truly, I've been too busy to even ask him.  Which is retarded....I know. 

So here it is, written plainly for all the world to see and me to be embaressed by:  I have a problem and its time to fix it.  I need to humbly turn to the Lord and ask:  "Please help me and show me what really needs to be apart of my life."

 If I don't do this, I'm just going to continue down the same path.  It is a lovely path called "Es-caw-pay".  There is plenty of couches and tv on this path along with some occasional reading.  Many enjoy it from what I hear.  However, I want to be apart of the here and now, and take pleasure in serving the Lord appropriately. 

There is hope.  His name is Jesus.  And He is the true way.  I have to remember that.....and that I have to go volunteer in 30 minutes.  <sigh>

Introducing Humpty Dumpty.....

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the King's horses and all the King's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again.

This is me, in case you don't know.  My name is Humpty and I have had a great fall.  Okay, so maybe my fall isn't as newsworthy as the Royal Wedding, but it was a big deal in my house.  Many of you already know the particulars, but because I'm turning over a new leaf (the one that previously hid all my weaknesses) I'm gonna share:


On March 27th 2010, my 10 year old daughter, Courtney Belle, was hit by a car as she crossed a road.  She had spent the night with her best friends and had the greatest time ever.  I was at a Pinewood Derby with my son that early afternoon when I called her to ask if she was ready for me to come get her.  "Oh no," she pleaded, "please let me stay longer!  I'm having so much fun!"  She then preceded to tell me of her monumentous night and morning.  I was happy for her and decided, "Sure, I'll just pick you up a little after 4."  I had absolutely no idea that THAT conversation would be my last with her. 
Around 2:45pm, she was crossing a country road to look at cows (I guess) and upon her return cross, a car came around the corner and struck her.  It was a true accident on both sides.  She was transported from there to a clear location for the LifeFlight to fly her down to Vanderbuilt Hospital. 
The signal in the building I was at was touch and go, so I ended up getting a voicemail around 3pm telling me what had happened.  A wonderful Scout leader at the event drove myself & my oldest daughter to Nashville.  (My son stayed with another leader to finish the event)  I remember on the drive there thinking, "It's fine.  I'm sure it may be something serious like a broken leg, or body, or brain damage.....but it's fine."  I never would had imagined being promptly pulled into a room as soon as I got into the hospital, sat down, and being told by the doctor that the situation was dire and there wasn't much hope.  "This isn't how it works," I mused, "not to me......not to my family."  But it does, and it did.
She had crashed many times as they tried to figure out exactly what was going on inside of her.  Finally, after an eternity, I was informed......She was bleeding in her brain and there wasn't a fix for that.  I tried to take it calmly, so I could support my daughter and the other people in the room.  Isn't that strange that I actually thought that????  "This just can't be it!!!" I screamed in my head, "Where's my miracle??"  It just wasn't to work that way I guess.  Even when Bishop gave her a blessing, I knew.  I knew at that moment that the answer was no.  I didn't want to accept it, but I knew.
I had to decide whether to take her off the machines that were running her body then.  The doctors were concerned with the stress the meds they had her on were putting her through.  They told me that it was just putting her and us through so much to keep her hooked up, but I think they really just knew the reality of the situation.  I had my moments of quiet prayer to try and make a decision, but "they" never tell you how difficult it is to hear the Holy Spirit when you're on the brink of an emotional breakdown.  Like I said, I knew, but I didn't want to know.
I "pulled the plug" around 10pm that evening.  Her body quit very quietly as we surrounded her bed.  I stayed with her body for a very long time, relishing the peace that actually existed in that room.  My son didn't make it there till after she had past.  My husband didn't make it either.  He was at school in VA at the time and couldn't get there (due to crazy amounts of trials on his end) till 5am that following morning. 

That was a time of deep, dark sorrow for me, intermixed with mind-blowing spiritual experiences.  I have never been so heavy and low in my life, but I've also never experience so much charity either.  It was a lesson to me in so many ways that I would rather share later.

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The year was not content with just being about the loss of my daughter.  I also had the unfortunate experience of almost losing my marriage.  I will definitely not go into that... :) ....but suffice it to say that it majorly sucked.  Every dark cloud has a silver lining though, right?  Well it does.....when you look for it.  As awful as it was, it was also the biggest blessing that could ever happen for us!  I love my husband more truly and deeply than I ever have before.  And if I can say so myself, the feelings are double on his end.  :)

But just wait!!  There is more.....
I also have discovered this wonderful thing called DEPRESSION.  If you're not familiar with it, let me explain.  It's this magical experience where your brain completely breaks and everything sucks even when it doesn't suck.  And stuff sucks so bad that you think...."Hmmm, you know what I don't think that I'll get off the couch today....or get dressed....or stop eating.....or care if I let go of the steering wheel while driving."  So basically lots of fun.  The Lord is amazing as always though & blessed me with an amazing doctor who works with me on the med side, an amazing counselor who works with me on the emotional side & a constant 24 hour connection to my Heavenly Father who thinks I'm amazing especially when I suck.  :)

And we continue....
My wonderful sweet animal companion of 15 years....my Wolf, had to be put to sleep due to extreme suffering, a few days after Christmas.  (And yeah, that totally didn't bring back memories of Courtney and the hospital)  That was extremely trying, but as always the Lord provides even when I'm laying on the bedroom floor on my side sobbing my heart out.  He was there.

We're almost done....
To put a period on this year long timeframe, my husband leaves for a year long deployment in Afghanistan.  I thought I was pumped up with a "I can do this" attitude, until the teenager decided to be a teenager.  Serious super fun issues with her.  I'm just thinking at this point, "I have to be done, right???  There is absolutely no more left in my 'Trial Bag'". 

I am optimistic however, cause a year has officially come and gone since her death.  I made it to this giant milestone and I'm alive.  And not only am I alive, I am doing good!  You may think, "How is that possible, doesn't the rhyme say that 'all the King's horses and all the King's men COULDN'T put Humpty together again??"  The answer is simple.  Only the "King" could fix Humpty this time.....the Lord.  My faith in the Lord Jesus Christ has sustained me through this YEAR OF HELL and helped me to stay afloat.  He has helped me to see the new puzzle my life has become and is helping me with the pieces.  Now that's not to say its been hunky-dory.  I mean my walls are completely blown away and the only thing left to hold me up anymore is the only think I have left.....the rock on which my testimony sits.  Well, the only thing that's mine I should say.  Cause I have also been blessed with about a hundred people who have in many varied ways been there at the right time and said the right thing.  Angels is what I call them. 

So I hope this new "leaf" works out for me on this blog.  Be prepared to get some honesty and don't think too badly upon me when you find out how messed up I truly am.  :)  Hey, I'm still sane enough to be trusted with kids!