Hole Hearted

"Rivers flow into the sea
Yet even the sea is not so full of me
If I'm not blind why can't I see
That a circle can't fit
Where a square should be
There's a hole in my heart
That can only be filled by you
And this hole in my heart
Can't be filled with the things I do"

The words to this song, from the band Extreme, have been floating around my head today.  I guess because I went to a baby shower this afternoon for my beautiful cousin.  She's having a little boy and the shower was just perfect.  There was plenty of laughter, happiness, and anticipation.  I had a very enjoyable time and left on a high note. 

However, the experience seemed to have stirred up some of the "dust in my attic".  I have often thought about having another child.  The idea seems very appealing....to me.  My husband is not really onboard with the whole thing.  He's happy with our family life now.  Our children are older, and our experiences with them are different then when they were young.  I absolutely loved our children when they were young; my husband...would have loved if they were born at the age of 5. 

As my husband has shared his point of view on the whole "have another one" issue today, I became deeply upset and found a quiet spot to cool down.  I began to hear this song running through my head.  I thought about the meaning of the words as they applied to me and I was struck with a thought....a few actually. 

After Courtney's death, I realize that there is a huge hole in my heart.  I mean, I can feel it....its not a figure of speech.  It's hollow and it hurts with a cold emptiness.  I desperately want this hold filled.  And honestly, the thought of my oldest leaving home in TWO short years and the gradual loss of innocence my youngest is experiencing as he is approaching puberty is chaffing an already raw wound.  Why do they all have to leave?  I'm just so scared to lose them.  And I think that that is the reason why I want to have more children....to create a new family.  Then I won't have to face that loss.  I can fill that hole with the hope of a new child.

But as the song suggests, my heart can only be filled by "you" and not the things I do.  Only the Savior, Jesus Christ can fill that gaping hole.  Even my eventual reunion with my baby girl is given to me through the Redeemer.  It is through his sacrifice, love, and tender mercy that I will feel the completeness that I desire.  I know that He gives me all things, including these trials and subsequent wisdom, for my good and experience.  Only He can take my Hole Heart and give me a Whole Heart.

Needing a Purpose

It never fails.

No matter if I'm visiting a different ward (congregation) or meeting in my own church building, I NEED SOMETHING TO DO!  I can't just sit around "learning".  :)  Okay that sounds funny, but my point is that I like to be involved somehow. 

A perfect example is the past two Sundays.  I am now living in Newport News (I'll discuss the move later), which means I have a brand new ward.  I must be a freak of nature cause even though I know NO ONE in the ward...I NEED to contribute/participate somehow.  But how do you convey that to strangers without seeming aggressive, conceited, or just plain weird?  Well I don't really know the answer to any of that, I just go and do.  :)

I first broke ground by commenting on a few ideas in the Sunday School lesson last week.  That may seem like tame business, but when you're new I believe all the heads turn and think "Who are you?".  Later, during Relief Society (the women's Sunday meeting) I discovered that we were about to sing acapella.  Now, I had to grab a hold of my big girl panties then and timidly raise my hand to inform the ladies that I could play the piano a little bit.  Of course that landed me right in front of the keys.

Fast forward to today.  (My records arrived!!!  Calling (assigned job at Church), here I am!!)  I enjoy a wonderfully discussed Sunday lesson and upon entering Relief Society......"Sister Feaster, could you play for us again??"  Yes!!!  They remember my name AND they want me to help!! 

So I'm sure this is a compulsive need for me to be involved in every bit of the things going on in my life, but there is something to it all.  In order to break into this new "herd", I have to put myself out there and allow them to "sniff" me out.  I mean honestly I can't expect to blend into the background and then wonder why I don't feel apart of my new ward family.  Its a bit scary and intimidating (will they like me?), but the payoff is worth it when I'm sitting pretty on that piano bench.....even if my playing is really probably the scariest thing. :)