Three years ago...

I woke up this morning a bit later than normal; the extra sleep was enjoyable.  I had toast with jelly for breakfast.  CJ was awake before me and had gotten himself mostly ready for school.  I drove him to the school, leaving him with the usual 'goodbye' and 'I love you'.  News has been read and I played a game of FreeCell to wake my brain up.  I'm planning on doing alot of laundry today; which typically means folding them while watching a show.  There are a few errands I should probably run as well.  Also, CJ has a soccer game tonight.  All in all, it sounds like another typical, boring, usual day.  But it FEELS anything but....

Three years ago today was another 'normal' day.  It was a Saturday with lots of busy work for the whole family.  I had gotten up at a decent time, had a usual breakfast while reading the news, ran some errands, and was working a Scout event.  All pretty typical, boring, and usual.  The main difference between these days is that, unlike today, that was the day my beautiful 10 year old daughter was ripped from my life. 

 



Its hard to keep myself from going through all the pain and anguish that day brought to me on an anniversery such as this.  Time certainly does NOT heal, but it does move life forward and dull the pain.  I try not to "relive" the emotions of that time to the best of my ability, and I have been blessed to do that as the days go by.  I have also been blessed with a change of location, friends, and daily events.  All of that has truly helped. 

However.

I miss my Courtney.  I miss her so much.  I feel so blessed to have Heaven, CJ, & Chad in my life, but there is a hole in my heart that was her.  And that will never go away until she is with me again.  She is a part of me; I helped bring her into this world and raised her for almost 11 years.  She was unique and wonderful, an amazing spirit put into my family.  Her specialness can never be replaced by any earthly thing. 



Only the Atonement makes things right.  It helps me endure the terrible and bittersweet memories on days such as this and any other day.  It helps me push forward with a hope in my Savior and with increasing amounts of joy.  It promises me that all things will be made right and that Courtney and I will be reunited again.  The Atonement gives me peace.

But I am human.

And especially on days like today, when life reminds me that "usual" days are not to be taken for granted, I sit and mourn my Courtney Belle.  In a sad way, its nice to feel the pain.  The scariest thing for me is not to have lost my child, but to be the only one who remembers the impact she made on me and my world.



Leaders - love 'em or leave 'em

 



There are those moments in our lives when we deal with these kinds of people.  And yes, I'm talking about our leaders.  Whether they are found in our home, work, church, or other areas of our lives, one thing is constant.....they can REALLY get under our skins. :) 

Why is this? 

I believe that there are several reasons, from different personalities or different beliefs to name a couple.  But, I truly believe that one of the top reasons is that "leaders" have to say and do the hard things.  Leaders have to deal with 'black/white' views and typically need to stay out of the 'gray' area.  The mushy 'gray' place is what the people we love are for!!!  To help us know that not everyone or everyone's circumstances are the same.  Leaders can't be that way.  They need to deliver the law, rules, or justice across the board.  And we don't want to hear these things! (most of the time)

No one wants to think that they are doing something contrary to what they believe they are doing or how they are living.  Being called out on stuff, whether real or not, can be embaressing and angering.  But I think that if we remember that 'leaders' are not meant to coddle or tread lightly around us, but to uplift & inspire us to better things, we can look at such 'direction' with humility.  In fact, I personally believe that sometimes a leader's direction or counsel may not necessarily need to be taken literally, but to motivate us to ponder our choices and make sure they are truly on task.  Again, leaders are not placed in our lives to be our friends (although that can happen sometimes, which can make it all that much harder when direction is given), but to give us clear black/white counsel motivating us to change or ponder humbly.

For example, there is a leader in my workplace that has given me pause MANY times.  This person is completely black/white.  There are rules provided to help run the business as efficiently as possible and this leader is profoundly good at making sure that everyone is working accordingly.  Now this can get VERY annoying when you are called out about things that you are seemingly not doing wrong.  Like when an occasional shared conversation between people will be called out and the parties are directed to stop talking and keep working.  This can be taken as offensive and hurtful.  "I'm not doing anything wrong!  I'm doing my job!  Why can't I talk once in a while?"  I have felt these same things.  But when the direction is pondered over for a bit, I can begin to see and understand that while I may not be a problem, there are several other times and people where this is a huge problem.  It is my leader's job to make sure that this rule is established across the board, keeping any problems at bay.  It also helps me to see this person as a guiding presence in my work setting to job efficiancy.

I am grateful for those leaders in my life that say the tough things to me.  They may not always be 'spot-on', but I know that I may gain wisdom from the letter of what they say or the round about thought.  This is gained either by following exactly what they say or realizing that it was meant to motivate something else.  All which can be gained by HUMBLY PONDERING what direction or counsel was given.

I hope that when I am given the chance to step into a pair of 'leader' shoes, I will be able to deliver such clear-cut messages with confidence and a hard shell.  And not fade back into 'gray'.  :)