Three years ago...

I woke up this morning a bit later than normal; the extra sleep was enjoyable.  I had toast with jelly for breakfast.  CJ was awake before me and had gotten himself mostly ready for school.  I drove him to the school, leaving him with the usual 'goodbye' and 'I love you'.  News has been read and I played a game of FreeCell to wake my brain up.  I'm planning on doing alot of laundry today; which typically means folding them while watching a show.  There are a few errands I should probably run as well.  Also, CJ has a soccer game tonight.  All in all, it sounds like another typical, boring, usual day.  But it FEELS anything but....

Three years ago today was another 'normal' day.  It was a Saturday with lots of busy work for the whole family.  I had gotten up at a decent time, had a usual breakfast while reading the news, ran some errands, and was working a Scout event.  All pretty typical, boring, and usual.  The main difference between these days is that, unlike today, that was the day my beautiful 10 year old daughter was ripped from my life. 

 



Its hard to keep myself from going through all the pain and anguish that day brought to me on an anniversery such as this.  Time certainly does NOT heal, but it does move life forward and dull the pain.  I try not to "relive" the emotions of that time to the best of my ability, and I have been blessed to do that as the days go by.  I have also been blessed with a change of location, friends, and daily events.  All of that has truly helped. 

However.

I miss my Courtney.  I miss her so much.  I feel so blessed to have Heaven, CJ, & Chad in my life, but there is a hole in my heart that was her.  And that will never go away until she is with me again.  She is a part of me; I helped bring her into this world and raised her for almost 11 years.  She was unique and wonderful, an amazing spirit put into my family.  Her specialness can never be replaced by any earthly thing. 



Only the Atonement makes things right.  It helps me endure the terrible and bittersweet memories on days such as this and any other day.  It helps me push forward with a hope in my Savior and with increasing amounts of joy.  It promises me that all things will be made right and that Courtney and I will be reunited again.  The Atonement gives me peace.

But I am human.

And especially on days like today, when life reminds me that "usual" days are not to be taken for granted, I sit and mourn my Courtney Belle.  In a sad way, its nice to feel the pain.  The scariest thing for me is not to have lost my child, but to be the only one who remembers the impact she made on me and my world.