Disappointments & Tasting the Rainbow

This may be a "woman" thing (or possibly a "just me" thing), but why is it that the world always looks better when I'm showered and looking good?  I guess that begs the question then, "Why do I stay in my pjs all day with yucky mouth and bed hair?" 

Alot has happened in the past week that has given me the excuse to live in my pjs and mope.  Many people (which stands for ME) use the well worn phrase "I need some relax time" when their life gets overwhelming and chaotic, but I believe that I may have started abusing it.  :)

Just as an umbrella to cover all I'm about to share, I'm sick-ish (some weird cold or allergy thing that is taking my voice and energy) and currently I'm sweaty and my breath reeks of tuna.  So I'll try not to dwell on the sucky part: 

I have been having problems with my right ankle for about a year now.  Chad and I were beginning to play tennis and after one exhilirating night, that I smoked him, I came home and noticed that my ankle was bothering me.  After that it started to get painful and swell, so I assumed that I sprained it and promptly wrapped it, elevated with ice and stayed that way for about 3 days. 

My assumption that things were fine started to change when I noticed occasional swelling, different levels of pain, and lots of weakness in my ankle over the next 11 months.  (I know, I know, I just wanted it to get better on its own....I'm sorry!)  It was all getting progressively worse, so I went to the doctor who referred me to a orthopedic specialist in Clarksville.

Come to find out, I have torn my peroneal tendon in my right ankle and now I need surgery.  Nice.  The whole process involves ten days off my feet, three weeks on crutches and in a cast, then 4 weeks in a boot and physical therapy.  <sigh>

Of course, this couldn't happen at a better time with Young Women's Camp only 4 weeks away and Chad coming home for R&R in 6 weeks.  I can't be at camp with this going on and I don't want to screw up our R&R plans.  Crap!

Earlier this week, I had an emotional happen-stance with some people in my life.  I don't want to get into the details for the respect of all individuals, but I'm give some generalities.  During a gathering with some individuals, there was a crazy heated exchange of words.  Okay, whatever, it was a freaking mess!  I have never seen people scream, freak out, accuse, hurt, and be so un-adult in my life.  At least not in my adult life.  It was horrible and soooooo disappointing!  I was looking forward to a honest and open exchange with some other adults to resolve differences and was just plain out hurt.  The attack on my character was especially painful, along with the untruths.  I wish I could articulate it better, but I really do want to keep it private for everyone's sake. 

CJ was also sick this week, which started out as leg pain.  I assumed it to be growing pains but it just got worse with chills, sleepiness, and then I discovered great red welts on one of his legs.  I took him to the doctor and he was diagnosed with Cellulitis (Cellulitis is a skin infection caused by bacteria. Normally, your skin helps protect you from infection. But if you have a cut, sore, or insect bite, bacteria can get into the skin and spread to deeper tissues.)  He got put on a strong antibiotic, which I had to play "find out where my prescription went", and that was that.

Until later that day, while wrestling with our 70lb puppy, the dog stepped on CJ's eye.  <sigh>  Lots of pain, ice, and ibuprofin later, it was not getting better and he couldn't open his eye.  So after I dropped Heav off at Church activities, I UNFORTUNATELY went to the ER at BACH (Blanchfield Army Community Hospital).  FOUR HOURS LATER, we got home at 11:30pm......on a school night.  Then I had to take him to an opthomalogist the next day, along with taking him to my own appointments.  He's fine, btw.  They said he probably had an abrasion that healed within 12 hours.  He also has his first shiner, from the dog.  :)

There's also been a ton of meetings I've had to cancel this week due to all of my craziness and that just makes me feel like I'm dropping the ball. 

NOW.......lets get dressed and brush my teeth.

Isn't it funny how you can drive the same route many times and not notice that they have built something new.  That happens to me many times on my 35+ minute drive home from town.  I'm used to it, so I kind of go on autopilot and my mind stays in my car.  Then one day I'll exclaim, "Heav look at that, they put a new roof on that house," which she will respond by sighing, "Mom that's been there for like a month."  Oh.

It is so easy to not notice what is going on around us.  It is extremely easy, however, to notice the things that happen TO us.  We get caught up and focused only on ourselves.  I think that's why it's so easy for many of us (again ME) to create a list a million miles long of the things going wrong in our lives and to sit around in our pjs with tuna mouth.  It takes effort to get up, brush our teeth, and pick out what makes us look not like a cow, just like it takes effort to open our eyes and take a look around at what good things are happening.  Such as:

I am blessed that I may have the option of putting off my surgery till after Chad's R&R (fingers crossed), but even if that doesn't happen, camp will still go on, Chad will love being with his family and most importantly I will be on the road to getting better.

The day after that nuclear powwow, I received a message from one person expressing remorse for their actions.  It was a blessing of monumental importance to me cause Heavenly Father knew I needed that little restoration of the good that I know people have inside themselves.  I was humbled and overjoyed all at once.

CJ is healthy and on the road to complete recovery.  I have the blessing of sharing in his life another day and the privalege to be his mother.  We may have had lots of stress, lots to do and little sleep, but the Lord provided.  A friend came to the ER and talked with me for a while.  Other friends helped by picking up the slack in other areas of my life.  Most astonishingly, some things I had to do were canceled giving me the opportunity to catch up on sleep and rest my weary body.

Good things surround us all the time.  Sometimes we are just too busy with our issues to look up and take notice.  I am grateful that the Lord has helped me to open my eyes and remember that I am truly loved and looked after.  We all are!  :)

Yes (Wo)Man!

Confession Time!

My name is Dottie and I have a problem......I have a compulsive need to get involved in everything around me.  It really doesn't matter what it is either.  If I'm around...it needs to be done...there's a certain amount of satisfaction from doing it...then I'm your lady.

Do you need me to clean your house?  Done.  Would you like me to watch your kids?  Done.  Do your homework?  Become the den leader?  Volunteer at school?  Invest all my time?  Drive you around?  Go out for lunch?  Take on your burdens?............ 

Here's a bit of honesty......I hate that I do this!!!!!!  Because you know where it leaves me?  No where, that's where.  I am broken, exhausted, and incapable of sustaining my own needs.  And my needs are a big deal now (as if they weren't before :) )  cause I'm just not the same person I used to be.  My "Year of Hell" has scoured me inside and out, leaving me feeling weak and fragile.  It's important for me to remember that cause I'm not able to do things like I used to.  For physical reasons, as well as....I just don't want to.

This sounds so crappy of me, but I have to have a wake up call to this.  The Lord has counseled us not to do more than we have strength for and truly, I've been too busy to even ask him.  Which is retarded....I know. 

So here it is, written plainly for all the world to see and me to be embaressed by:  I have a problem and its time to fix it.  I need to humbly turn to the Lord and ask:  "Please help me and show me what really needs to be apart of my life."

 If I don't do this, I'm just going to continue down the same path.  It is a lovely path called "Es-caw-pay".  There is plenty of couches and tv on this path along with some occasional reading.  Many enjoy it from what I hear.  However, I want to be apart of the here and now, and take pleasure in serving the Lord appropriately. 

There is hope.  His name is Jesus.  And He is the true way.  I have to remember that.....and that I have to go volunteer in 30 minutes.  <sigh>

Introducing Humpty Dumpty.....

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the King's horses and all the King's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again.

This is me, in case you don't know.  My name is Humpty and I have had a great fall.  Okay, so maybe my fall isn't as newsworthy as the Royal Wedding, but it was a big deal in my house.  Many of you already know the particulars, but because I'm turning over a new leaf (the one that previously hid all my weaknesses) I'm gonna share:


On March 27th 2010, my 10 year old daughter, Courtney Belle, was hit by a car as she crossed a road.  She had spent the night with her best friends and had the greatest time ever.  I was at a Pinewood Derby with my son that early afternoon when I called her to ask if she was ready for me to come get her.  "Oh no," she pleaded, "please let me stay longer!  I'm having so much fun!"  She then preceded to tell me of her monumentous night and morning.  I was happy for her and decided, "Sure, I'll just pick you up a little after 4."  I had absolutely no idea that THAT conversation would be my last with her. 
Around 2:45pm, she was crossing a country road to look at cows (I guess) and upon her return cross, a car came around the corner and struck her.  It was a true accident on both sides.  She was transported from there to a clear location for the LifeFlight to fly her down to Vanderbuilt Hospital. 
The signal in the building I was at was touch and go, so I ended up getting a voicemail around 3pm telling me what had happened.  A wonderful Scout leader at the event drove myself & my oldest daughter to Nashville.  (My son stayed with another leader to finish the event)  I remember on the drive there thinking, "It's fine.  I'm sure it may be something serious like a broken leg, or body, or brain damage.....but it's fine."  I never would had imagined being promptly pulled into a room as soon as I got into the hospital, sat down, and being told by the doctor that the situation was dire and there wasn't much hope.  "This isn't how it works," I mused, "not to me......not to my family."  But it does, and it did.
She had crashed many times as they tried to figure out exactly what was going on inside of her.  Finally, after an eternity, I was informed......She was bleeding in her brain and there wasn't a fix for that.  I tried to take it calmly, so I could support my daughter and the other people in the room.  Isn't that strange that I actually thought that????  "This just can't be it!!!" I screamed in my head, "Where's my miracle??"  It just wasn't to work that way I guess.  Even when Bishop gave her a blessing, I knew.  I knew at that moment that the answer was no.  I didn't want to accept it, but I knew.
I had to decide whether to take her off the machines that were running her body then.  The doctors were concerned with the stress the meds they had her on were putting her through.  They told me that it was just putting her and us through so much to keep her hooked up, but I think they really just knew the reality of the situation.  I had my moments of quiet prayer to try and make a decision, but "they" never tell you how difficult it is to hear the Holy Spirit when you're on the brink of an emotional breakdown.  Like I said, I knew, but I didn't want to know.
I "pulled the plug" around 10pm that evening.  Her body quit very quietly as we surrounded her bed.  I stayed with her body for a very long time, relishing the peace that actually existed in that room.  My son didn't make it there till after she had past.  My husband didn't make it either.  He was at school in VA at the time and couldn't get there (due to crazy amounts of trials on his end) till 5am that following morning. 

That was a time of deep, dark sorrow for me, intermixed with mind-blowing spiritual experiences.  I have never been so heavy and low in my life, but I've also never experience so much charity either.  It was a lesson to me in so many ways that I would rather share later.

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The year was not content with just being about the loss of my daughter.  I also had the unfortunate experience of almost losing my marriage.  I will definitely not go into that... :) ....but suffice it to say that it majorly sucked.  Every dark cloud has a silver lining though, right?  Well it does.....when you look for it.  As awful as it was, it was also the biggest blessing that could ever happen for us!  I love my husband more truly and deeply than I ever have before.  And if I can say so myself, the feelings are double on his end.  :)

But just wait!!  There is more.....
I also have discovered this wonderful thing called DEPRESSION.  If you're not familiar with it, let me explain.  It's this magical experience where your brain completely breaks and everything sucks even when it doesn't suck.  And stuff sucks so bad that you think...."Hmmm, you know what I don't think that I'll get off the couch today....or get dressed....or stop eating.....or care if I let go of the steering wheel while driving."  So basically lots of fun.  The Lord is amazing as always though & blessed me with an amazing doctor who works with me on the med side, an amazing counselor who works with me on the emotional side & a constant 24 hour connection to my Heavenly Father who thinks I'm amazing especially when I suck.  :)

And we continue....
My wonderful sweet animal companion of 15 years....my Wolf, had to be put to sleep due to extreme suffering, a few days after Christmas.  (And yeah, that totally didn't bring back memories of Courtney and the hospital)  That was extremely trying, but as always the Lord provides even when I'm laying on the bedroom floor on my side sobbing my heart out.  He was there.

We're almost done....
To put a period on this year long timeframe, my husband leaves for a year long deployment in Afghanistan.  I thought I was pumped up with a "I can do this" attitude, until the teenager decided to be a teenager.  Serious super fun issues with her.  I'm just thinking at this point, "I have to be done, right???  There is absolutely no more left in my 'Trial Bag'". 

I am optimistic however, cause a year has officially come and gone since her death.  I made it to this giant milestone and I'm alive.  And not only am I alive, I am doing good!  You may think, "How is that possible, doesn't the rhyme say that 'all the King's horses and all the King's men COULDN'T put Humpty together again??"  The answer is simple.  Only the "King" could fix Humpty this time.....the Lord.  My faith in the Lord Jesus Christ has sustained me through this YEAR OF HELL and helped me to stay afloat.  He has helped me to see the new puzzle my life has become and is helping me with the pieces.  Now that's not to say its been hunky-dory.  I mean my walls are completely blown away and the only thing left to hold me up anymore is the only think I have left.....the rock on which my testimony sits.  Well, the only thing that's mine I should say.  Cause I have also been blessed with about a hundred people who have in many varied ways been there at the right time and said the right thing.  Angels is what I call them. 

So I hope this new "leaf" works out for me on this blog.  Be prepared to get some honesty and don't think too badly upon me when you find out how messed up I truly am.  :)  Hey, I'm still sane enough to be trusted with kids!

Winter Retreat 2010

I must be crazy to have had the best time with 60+ young men & women this past weekend! 

Cori & I

Ya see, I serve as a Leader (1st counselor YW Stake Pres.) over many youth & their church leaders in a large regional area of KY/TN.  This position completely rocks!  I get to meet so many youth from the ages of 12-17 & some completely awesome woman that serve their hearts out to lead them by example.  One of my opportunities to serve is by organizing (along with the amazing Cori, Lael, & Steph!!) huge activities for all of these youth to:  have fabulous times alongside each other, strengthen & support one another, & most importantly draw them closer to our Savior, Jesus Christ!

This weekend was nothing but net, as far as those goals are concerned.  The activity was held at Brandon Springs in LBL (Land Between the Lakes). 

Brandon Springs Dining Hall

Upon arrival, everyone checked in at the Activity Center & signed in for a totally awesome shirt (made by the always talented, Cori).  The idea for the shirts stemed from the desire we have for the youth to gain a testimony of the Savior & His gospel.

Front of the Shirts

After that, we geared up for a "beast" of a dance!!  It was so fun & the youth were totally crazy, as always!

The Yummy Food!

Heaven being FLIPPED over Josh's back!

To the disappointment of everyone (except me!!), we hit the dorms after that & went to bed.  Okay actually, we all ended up staying up till various times of the night chit-chatting about Harry Potter, Robert Pattinson, weight, boys, & the blessings of the gospel.  Ya know, that might have just been my group of ladies........THANKS FOR THE AWESOME TIME SISTER PEW & SISTER MILLER!!!!!

Wake up was incredibly too early!!!  6:30AM!!!  (That may not seem awful, but when you went to bed at like 1:30am, well......I'm old people, come on!!!)  We went to breakfast (which was fab except the eggs may have been a bit "wet") & headed to the activity center to sit in front of a roaring fireplace & enjoy early morning testimonies. 

The feeling that accompanied this gathering was so wonderful & full of truth.  I was so inspired by the many testimonies I heard from the youth.  They ranged from confirmation of spiritual strength in the face of adversity to the heartbreaking longing for something better in their lives.  I was full of such joy & hope.  I love these kids so much!!

After that meeting, the youth were seperated into two groups & the day was full of games:

Ninja!!

Can you spot the Poison Dart Frog?

a talk from Patriarch Fears:

Great Talk, but I believe some people were a little tired...LOL!!

& team building activities (SO HILARIOUS!)


Dividing into Teams & Forming Letters



GET IN ORDER OF HEIGHT!
Ur allowed to walk on the log, but if u step off u have to
stay in that spot & step back on in the same spot!

GET IN ORDER OF BIRTH MONTH

**But**.....NO TALKING!!!  LOL!!

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 Everyone get their feet on the platform?????

Um....That's not working...

There ya go...way to think Mikayla!

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Stand on two beams, hold the ropes, & walk together

..................easy???

NOPE!!!  (Poor Josh)

Helllllloooooooo!!! :)



They've finally got it......if Sinclair would stay on! :)

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Everyone needs to cross to the other side

......with the use of the long board & short board.

BTW....nothing can touch the ground

Smart kids, but sooooo suspenseful!

We had dinner before we left the area & it was just as great as lunch that day had been.  Everyone left the experience wishing it could have lasted longer, but completely EXHAUSTED!!

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My hope is that at least someone, young or old, gained strength from this weekend to help them in their lives.  A testimony is soooooo necessary!  Honestly, how can you make the important decisions in your life unless you have sincerely pondered if the gospel is true & actually applies to your life?  This is where you gain a testimony.......by pondering (thinking), praying, & asking.  I am so grateful for my own testimony.  I know the Jesus Christ truly lives and has blessed us with a way to be forgiven, healed, & carried during troubling times, through his merciful Atonement.  I am so grateful for the gospel, contained in the scriptures.  I know that they contain the true word of God because I have sought these answers & have felt the truth through the Holy Ghost as a warm burning in my chest (& no that is not heartburn).  I know that the Lord loves us as much today as He loved those in ancient times, and has in turn blessed us with Prophets & Apostles to guide us in these the latter days.  I know these things BECAUSE I questioned it, prayed about it with an open heart, & listened for an answer.  How grateful I am for this knowledge!



I honestly NEVER EVER expected to be doing this.  The train always seemed "overcrowded", so to speak. :)  Nevertheless, here I am, buying a ticket & sharing my particular brand of crazy with the masses.

I don't exactly have a 'plan' on what to write about, but I figured whatever popped up in this 'world' of mine would be typed out for all you lucky people. :)  Also, if any of you super lucky people who decide to follow this crazy ride would like to make a 'blog request', I'm open to suggestions & money.  LOL!!  (that may have only been funny to me)

Here we go.....So, my son CJ (8) is on the Stewart County Jr-Pro Basketball League.  His team is named the Daredevils (oh yeah, be afraid) & there are 7 other boys on his team (7&8 yr olds).  What you may not know is that I, that's right ME, am his Basketball Coach!!!  If you are like many I have encountered that are like, "what the junk?", then I say to you...."Come on now, what's so wrong with that idea?  I'm not that hopeless am I?"  :)  I played basketball myself for 3 years straight.............ok fine I was in 6-8 grade, but that's still better than Chad, who I might add is my Assistant Coach.  mmmmmhahahahahahaLOLOLOLOL!!  (It's ok, we can all laugh at that)

Anyhow, i am honestly loving the job.  The boys are wonderfully inept. :)  They are trying their butts off and have tons of potential.  We just have to focus on things like dribbling, and passing, and shooting, and not tackling the guy with the ball.  I love them & I'm grateful for the blessing it is to work with the boys & my husband, the juicebox guy.

The Juicebox Guy

I would like to thank my husbands soldiers for that reference from "Kicking & Screaming".