Three years ago...

I woke up this morning a bit later than normal; the extra sleep was enjoyable.  I had toast with jelly for breakfast.  CJ was awake before me and had gotten himself mostly ready for school.  I drove him to the school, leaving him with the usual 'goodbye' and 'I love you'.  News has been read and I played a game of FreeCell to wake my brain up.  I'm planning on doing alot of laundry today; which typically means folding them while watching a show.  There are a few errands I should probably run as well.  Also, CJ has a soccer game tonight.  All in all, it sounds like another typical, boring, usual day.  But it FEELS anything but....

Three years ago today was another 'normal' day.  It was a Saturday with lots of busy work for the whole family.  I had gotten up at a decent time, had a usual breakfast while reading the news, ran some errands, and was working a Scout event.  All pretty typical, boring, and usual.  The main difference between these days is that, unlike today, that was the day my beautiful 10 year old daughter was ripped from my life. 

 



Its hard to keep myself from going through all the pain and anguish that day brought to me on an anniversery such as this.  Time certainly does NOT heal, but it does move life forward and dull the pain.  I try not to "relive" the emotions of that time to the best of my ability, and I have been blessed to do that as the days go by.  I have also been blessed with a change of location, friends, and daily events.  All of that has truly helped. 

However.

I miss my Courtney.  I miss her so much.  I feel so blessed to have Heaven, CJ, & Chad in my life, but there is a hole in my heart that was her.  And that will never go away until she is with me again.  She is a part of me; I helped bring her into this world and raised her for almost 11 years.  She was unique and wonderful, an amazing spirit put into my family.  Her specialness can never be replaced by any earthly thing. 



Only the Atonement makes things right.  It helps me endure the terrible and bittersweet memories on days such as this and any other day.  It helps me push forward with a hope in my Savior and with increasing amounts of joy.  It promises me that all things will be made right and that Courtney and I will be reunited again.  The Atonement gives me peace.

But I am human.

And especially on days like today, when life reminds me that "usual" days are not to be taken for granted, I sit and mourn my Courtney Belle.  In a sad way, its nice to feel the pain.  The scariest thing for me is not to have lost my child, but to be the only one who remembers the impact she made on me and my world.



Leaders - love 'em or leave 'em

 



There are those moments in our lives when we deal with these kinds of people.  And yes, I'm talking about our leaders.  Whether they are found in our home, work, church, or other areas of our lives, one thing is constant.....they can REALLY get under our skins. :) 

Why is this? 

I believe that there are several reasons, from different personalities or different beliefs to name a couple.  But, I truly believe that one of the top reasons is that "leaders" have to say and do the hard things.  Leaders have to deal with 'black/white' views and typically need to stay out of the 'gray' area.  The mushy 'gray' place is what the people we love are for!!!  To help us know that not everyone or everyone's circumstances are the same.  Leaders can't be that way.  They need to deliver the law, rules, or justice across the board.  And we don't want to hear these things! (most of the time)

No one wants to think that they are doing something contrary to what they believe they are doing or how they are living.  Being called out on stuff, whether real or not, can be embaressing and angering.  But I think that if we remember that 'leaders' are not meant to coddle or tread lightly around us, but to uplift & inspire us to better things, we can look at such 'direction' with humility.  In fact, I personally believe that sometimes a leader's direction or counsel may not necessarily need to be taken literally, but to motivate us to ponder our choices and make sure they are truly on task.  Again, leaders are not placed in our lives to be our friends (although that can happen sometimes, which can make it all that much harder when direction is given), but to give us clear black/white counsel motivating us to change or ponder humbly.

For example, there is a leader in my workplace that has given me pause MANY times.  This person is completely black/white.  There are rules provided to help run the business as efficiently as possible and this leader is profoundly good at making sure that everyone is working accordingly.  Now this can get VERY annoying when you are called out about things that you are seemingly not doing wrong.  Like when an occasional shared conversation between people will be called out and the parties are directed to stop talking and keep working.  This can be taken as offensive and hurtful.  "I'm not doing anything wrong!  I'm doing my job!  Why can't I talk once in a while?"  I have felt these same things.  But when the direction is pondered over for a bit, I can begin to see and understand that while I may not be a problem, there are several other times and people where this is a huge problem.  It is my leader's job to make sure that this rule is established across the board, keeping any problems at bay.  It also helps me to see this person as a guiding presence in my work setting to job efficiancy.

I am grateful for those leaders in my life that say the tough things to me.  They may not always be 'spot-on', but I know that I may gain wisdom from the letter of what they say or the round about thought.  This is gained either by following exactly what they say or realizing that it was meant to motivate something else.  All which can be gained by HUMBLY PONDERING what direction or counsel was given.

I hope that when I am given the chance to step into a pair of 'leader' shoes, I will be able to deliver such clear-cut messages with confidence and a hard shell.  And not fade back into 'gray'.  :)

Hole Hearted

"Rivers flow into the sea
Yet even the sea is not so full of me
If I'm not blind why can't I see
That a circle can't fit
Where a square should be
There's a hole in my heart
That can only be filled by you
And this hole in my heart
Can't be filled with the things I do"

The words to this song, from the band Extreme, have been floating around my head today.  I guess because I went to a baby shower this afternoon for my beautiful cousin.  She's having a little boy and the shower was just perfect.  There was plenty of laughter, happiness, and anticipation.  I had a very enjoyable time and left on a high note. 

However, the experience seemed to have stirred up some of the "dust in my attic".  I have often thought about having another child.  The idea seems very appealing....to me.  My husband is not really onboard with the whole thing.  He's happy with our family life now.  Our children are older, and our experiences with them are different then when they were young.  I absolutely loved our children when they were young; my husband...would have loved if they were born at the age of 5. 

As my husband has shared his point of view on the whole "have another one" issue today, I became deeply upset and found a quiet spot to cool down.  I began to hear this song running through my head.  I thought about the meaning of the words as they applied to me and I was struck with a thought....a few actually. 

After Courtney's death, I realize that there is a huge hole in my heart.  I mean, I can feel it....its not a figure of speech.  It's hollow and it hurts with a cold emptiness.  I desperately want this hold filled.  And honestly, the thought of my oldest leaving home in TWO short years and the gradual loss of innocence my youngest is experiencing as he is approaching puberty is chaffing an already raw wound.  Why do they all have to leave?  I'm just so scared to lose them.  And I think that that is the reason why I want to have more children....to create a new family.  Then I won't have to face that loss.  I can fill that hole with the hope of a new child.

But as the song suggests, my heart can only be filled by "you" and not the things I do.  Only the Savior, Jesus Christ can fill that gaping hole.  Even my eventual reunion with my baby girl is given to me through the Redeemer.  It is through his sacrifice, love, and tender mercy that I will feel the completeness that I desire.  I know that He gives me all things, including these trials and subsequent wisdom, for my good and experience.  Only He can take my Hole Heart and give me a Whole Heart.

Needing a Purpose

It never fails.

No matter if I'm visiting a different ward (congregation) or meeting in my own church building, I NEED SOMETHING TO DO!  I can't just sit around "learning".  :)  Okay that sounds funny, but my point is that I like to be involved somehow. 

A perfect example is the past two Sundays.  I am now living in Newport News (I'll discuss the move later), which means I have a brand new ward.  I must be a freak of nature cause even though I know NO ONE in the ward...I NEED to contribute/participate somehow.  But how do you convey that to strangers without seeming aggressive, conceited, or just plain weird?  Well I don't really know the answer to any of that, I just go and do.  :)

I first broke ground by commenting on a few ideas in the Sunday School lesson last week.  That may seem like tame business, but when you're new I believe all the heads turn and think "Who are you?".  Later, during Relief Society (the women's Sunday meeting) I discovered that we were about to sing acapella.  Now, I had to grab a hold of my big girl panties then and timidly raise my hand to inform the ladies that I could play the piano a little bit.  Of course that landed me right in front of the keys.

Fast forward to today.  (My records arrived!!!  Calling (assigned job at Church), here I am!!)  I enjoy a wonderfully discussed Sunday lesson and upon entering Relief Society......"Sister Feaster, could you play for us again??"  Yes!!!  They remember my name AND they want me to help!! 

So I'm sure this is a compulsive need for me to be involved in every bit of the things going on in my life, but there is something to it all.  In order to break into this new "herd", I have to put myself out there and allow them to "sniff" me out.  I mean honestly I can't expect to blend into the background and then wonder why I don't feel apart of my new ward family.  Its a bit scary and intimidating (will they like me?), but the payoff is worth it when I'm sitting pretty on that piano bench.....even if my playing is really probably the scariest thing. :)

Disappointments & Tasting the Rainbow

This may be a "woman" thing (or possibly a "just me" thing), but why is it that the world always looks better when I'm showered and looking good?  I guess that begs the question then, "Why do I stay in my pjs all day with yucky mouth and bed hair?" 

Alot has happened in the past week that has given me the excuse to live in my pjs and mope.  Many people (which stands for ME) use the well worn phrase "I need some relax time" when their life gets overwhelming and chaotic, but I believe that I may have started abusing it.  :)

Just as an umbrella to cover all I'm about to share, I'm sick-ish (some weird cold or allergy thing that is taking my voice and energy) and currently I'm sweaty and my breath reeks of tuna.  So I'll try not to dwell on the sucky part: 

I have been having problems with my right ankle for about a year now.  Chad and I were beginning to play tennis and after one exhilirating night, that I smoked him, I came home and noticed that my ankle was bothering me.  After that it started to get painful and swell, so I assumed that I sprained it and promptly wrapped it, elevated with ice and stayed that way for about 3 days. 

My assumption that things were fine started to change when I noticed occasional swelling, different levels of pain, and lots of weakness in my ankle over the next 11 months.  (I know, I know, I just wanted it to get better on its own....I'm sorry!)  It was all getting progressively worse, so I went to the doctor who referred me to a orthopedic specialist in Clarksville.

Come to find out, I have torn my peroneal tendon in my right ankle and now I need surgery.  Nice.  The whole process involves ten days off my feet, three weeks on crutches and in a cast, then 4 weeks in a boot and physical therapy.  <sigh>

Of course, this couldn't happen at a better time with Young Women's Camp only 4 weeks away and Chad coming home for R&R in 6 weeks.  I can't be at camp with this going on and I don't want to screw up our R&R plans.  Crap!

Earlier this week, I had an emotional happen-stance with some people in my life.  I don't want to get into the details for the respect of all individuals, but I'm give some generalities.  During a gathering with some individuals, there was a crazy heated exchange of words.  Okay, whatever, it was a freaking mess!  I have never seen people scream, freak out, accuse, hurt, and be so un-adult in my life.  At least not in my adult life.  It was horrible and soooooo disappointing!  I was looking forward to a honest and open exchange with some other adults to resolve differences and was just plain out hurt.  The attack on my character was especially painful, along with the untruths.  I wish I could articulate it better, but I really do want to keep it private for everyone's sake. 

CJ was also sick this week, which started out as leg pain.  I assumed it to be growing pains but it just got worse with chills, sleepiness, and then I discovered great red welts on one of his legs.  I took him to the doctor and he was diagnosed with Cellulitis (Cellulitis is a skin infection caused by bacteria. Normally, your skin helps protect you from infection. But if you have a cut, sore, or insect bite, bacteria can get into the skin and spread to deeper tissues.)  He got put on a strong antibiotic, which I had to play "find out where my prescription went", and that was that.

Until later that day, while wrestling with our 70lb puppy, the dog stepped on CJ's eye.  <sigh>  Lots of pain, ice, and ibuprofin later, it was not getting better and he couldn't open his eye.  So after I dropped Heav off at Church activities, I UNFORTUNATELY went to the ER at BACH (Blanchfield Army Community Hospital).  FOUR HOURS LATER, we got home at 11:30pm......on a school night.  Then I had to take him to an opthomalogist the next day, along with taking him to my own appointments.  He's fine, btw.  They said he probably had an abrasion that healed within 12 hours.  He also has his first shiner, from the dog.  :)

There's also been a ton of meetings I've had to cancel this week due to all of my craziness and that just makes me feel like I'm dropping the ball. 

NOW.......lets get dressed and brush my teeth.

Isn't it funny how you can drive the same route many times and not notice that they have built something new.  That happens to me many times on my 35+ minute drive home from town.  I'm used to it, so I kind of go on autopilot and my mind stays in my car.  Then one day I'll exclaim, "Heav look at that, they put a new roof on that house," which she will respond by sighing, "Mom that's been there for like a month."  Oh.

It is so easy to not notice what is going on around us.  It is extremely easy, however, to notice the things that happen TO us.  We get caught up and focused only on ourselves.  I think that's why it's so easy for many of us (again ME) to create a list a million miles long of the things going wrong in our lives and to sit around in our pjs with tuna mouth.  It takes effort to get up, brush our teeth, and pick out what makes us look not like a cow, just like it takes effort to open our eyes and take a look around at what good things are happening.  Such as:

I am blessed that I may have the option of putting off my surgery till after Chad's R&R (fingers crossed), but even if that doesn't happen, camp will still go on, Chad will love being with his family and most importantly I will be on the road to getting better.

The day after that nuclear powwow, I received a message from one person expressing remorse for their actions.  It was a blessing of monumental importance to me cause Heavenly Father knew I needed that little restoration of the good that I know people have inside themselves.  I was humbled and overjoyed all at once.

CJ is healthy and on the road to complete recovery.  I have the blessing of sharing in his life another day and the privalege to be his mother.  We may have had lots of stress, lots to do and little sleep, but the Lord provided.  A friend came to the ER and talked with me for a while.  Other friends helped by picking up the slack in other areas of my life.  Most astonishingly, some things I had to do were canceled giving me the opportunity to catch up on sleep and rest my weary body.

Good things surround us all the time.  Sometimes we are just too busy with our issues to look up and take notice.  I am grateful that the Lord has helped me to open my eyes and remember that I am truly loved and looked after.  We all are!  :)

Yes (Wo)Man!

Confession Time!

My name is Dottie and I have a problem......I have a compulsive need to get involved in everything around me.  It really doesn't matter what it is either.  If I'm around...it needs to be done...there's a certain amount of satisfaction from doing it...then I'm your lady.

Do you need me to clean your house?  Done.  Would you like me to watch your kids?  Done.  Do your homework?  Become the den leader?  Volunteer at school?  Invest all my time?  Drive you around?  Go out for lunch?  Take on your burdens?............ 

Here's a bit of honesty......I hate that I do this!!!!!!  Because you know where it leaves me?  No where, that's where.  I am broken, exhausted, and incapable of sustaining my own needs.  And my needs are a big deal now (as if they weren't before :) )  cause I'm just not the same person I used to be.  My "Year of Hell" has scoured me inside and out, leaving me feeling weak and fragile.  It's important for me to remember that cause I'm not able to do things like I used to.  For physical reasons, as well as....I just don't want to.

This sounds so crappy of me, but I have to have a wake up call to this.  The Lord has counseled us not to do more than we have strength for and truly, I've been too busy to even ask him.  Which is retarded....I know. 

So here it is, written plainly for all the world to see and me to be embaressed by:  I have a problem and its time to fix it.  I need to humbly turn to the Lord and ask:  "Please help me and show me what really needs to be apart of my life."

 If I don't do this, I'm just going to continue down the same path.  It is a lovely path called "Es-caw-pay".  There is plenty of couches and tv on this path along with some occasional reading.  Many enjoy it from what I hear.  However, I want to be apart of the here and now, and take pleasure in serving the Lord appropriately. 

There is hope.  His name is Jesus.  And He is the true way.  I have to remember that.....and that I have to go volunteer in 30 minutes.  <sigh>

Introducing Humpty Dumpty.....

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the King's horses and all the King's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again.

This is me, in case you don't know.  My name is Humpty and I have had a great fall.  Okay, so maybe my fall isn't as newsworthy as the Royal Wedding, but it was a big deal in my house.  Many of you already know the particulars, but because I'm turning over a new leaf (the one that previously hid all my weaknesses) I'm gonna share:


On March 27th 2010, my 10 year old daughter, Courtney Belle, was hit by a car as she crossed a road.  She had spent the night with her best friends and had the greatest time ever.  I was at a Pinewood Derby with my son that early afternoon when I called her to ask if she was ready for me to come get her.  "Oh no," she pleaded, "please let me stay longer!  I'm having so much fun!"  She then preceded to tell me of her monumentous night and morning.  I was happy for her and decided, "Sure, I'll just pick you up a little after 4."  I had absolutely no idea that THAT conversation would be my last with her. 
Around 2:45pm, she was crossing a country road to look at cows (I guess) and upon her return cross, a car came around the corner and struck her.  It was a true accident on both sides.  She was transported from there to a clear location for the LifeFlight to fly her down to Vanderbuilt Hospital. 
The signal in the building I was at was touch and go, so I ended up getting a voicemail around 3pm telling me what had happened.  A wonderful Scout leader at the event drove myself & my oldest daughter to Nashville.  (My son stayed with another leader to finish the event)  I remember on the drive there thinking, "It's fine.  I'm sure it may be something serious like a broken leg, or body, or brain damage.....but it's fine."  I never would had imagined being promptly pulled into a room as soon as I got into the hospital, sat down, and being told by the doctor that the situation was dire and there wasn't much hope.  "This isn't how it works," I mused, "not to me......not to my family."  But it does, and it did.
She had crashed many times as they tried to figure out exactly what was going on inside of her.  Finally, after an eternity, I was informed......She was bleeding in her brain and there wasn't a fix for that.  I tried to take it calmly, so I could support my daughter and the other people in the room.  Isn't that strange that I actually thought that????  "This just can't be it!!!" I screamed in my head, "Where's my miracle??"  It just wasn't to work that way I guess.  Even when Bishop gave her a blessing, I knew.  I knew at that moment that the answer was no.  I didn't want to accept it, but I knew.
I had to decide whether to take her off the machines that were running her body then.  The doctors were concerned with the stress the meds they had her on were putting her through.  They told me that it was just putting her and us through so much to keep her hooked up, but I think they really just knew the reality of the situation.  I had my moments of quiet prayer to try and make a decision, but "they" never tell you how difficult it is to hear the Holy Spirit when you're on the brink of an emotional breakdown.  Like I said, I knew, but I didn't want to know.
I "pulled the plug" around 10pm that evening.  Her body quit very quietly as we surrounded her bed.  I stayed with her body for a very long time, relishing the peace that actually existed in that room.  My son didn't make it there till after she had past.  My husband didn't make it either.  He was at school in VA at the time and couldn't get there (due to crazy amounts of trials on his end) till 5am that following morning. 

That was a time of deep, dark sorrow for me, intermixed with mind-blowing spiritual experiences.  I have never been so heavy and low in my life, but I've also never experience so much charity either.  It was a lesson to me in so many ways that I would rather share later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



The year was not content with just being about the loss of my daughter.  I also had the unfortunate experience of almost losing my marriage.  I will definitely not go into that... :) ....but suffice it to say that it majorly sucked.  Every dark cloud has a silver lining though, right?  Well it does.....when you look for it.  As awful as it was, it was also the biggest blessing that could ever happen for us!  I love my husband more truly and deeply than I ever have before.  And if I can say so myself, the feelings are double on his end.  :)

But just wait!!  There is more.....
I also have discovered this wonderful thing called DEPRESSION.  If you're not familiar with it, let me explain.  It's this magical experience where your brain completely breaks and everything sucks even when it doesn't suck.  And stuff sucks so bad that you think...."Hmmm, you know what I don't think that I'll get off the couch today....or get dressed....or stop eating.....or care if I let go of the steering wheel while driving."  So basically lots of fun.  The Lord is amazing as always though & blessed me with an amazing doctor who works with me on the med side, an amazing counselor who works with me on the emotional side & a constant 24 hour connection to my Heavenly Father who thinks I'm amazing especially when I suck.  :)

And we continue....
My wonderful sweet animal companion of 15 years....my Wolf, had to be put to sleep due to extreme suffering, a few days after Christmas.  (And yeah, that totally didn't bring back memories of Courtney and the hospital)  That was extremely trying, but as always the Lord provides even when I'm laying on the bedroom floor on my side sobbing my heart out.  He was there.

We're almost done....
To put a period on this year long timeframe, my husband leaves for a year long deployment in Afghanistan.  I thought I was pumped up with a "I can do this" attitude, until the teenager decided to be a teenager.  Serious super fun issues with her.  I'm just thinking at this point, "I have to be done, right???  There is absolutely no more left in my 'Trial Bag'". 

I am optimistic however, cause a year has officially come and gone since her death.  I made it to this giant milestone and I'm alive.  And not only am I alive, I am doing good!  You may think, "How is that possible, doesn't the rhyme say that 'all the King's horses and all the King's men COULDN'T put Humpty together again??"  The answer is simple.  Only the "King" could fix Humpty this time.....the Lord.  My faith in the Lord Jesus Christ has sustained me through this YEAR OF HELL and helped me to stay afloat.  He has helped me to see the new puzzle my life has become and is helping me with the pieces.  Now that's not to say its been hunky-dory.  I mean my walls are completely blown away and the only thing left to hold me up anymore is the only think I have left.....the rock on which my testimony sits.  Well, the only thing that's mine I should say.  Cause I have also been blessed with about a hundred people who have in many varied ways been there at the right time and said the right thing.  Angels is what I call them. 

So I hope this new "leaf" works out for me on this blog.  Be prepared to get some honesty and don't think too badly upon me when you find out how messed up I truly am.  :)  Hey, I'm still sane enough to be trusted with kids!